Jokes to lighten your day

Source: my head,


Wife: How would you describe me?
Wife: What does that mean?
Husband: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.
Wife: Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?
Husband: I’m just kidding!


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”


The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'”


A woman with a baby got on a bus. The bus driver cried out, “that’s an ugly baby!” She got frustrated and told a man next to her “that bus driver just harassed me!” the man said, “Okay, you go stand up for yourself! I will hold on to the monkey for you.”


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


Dad buys a lying detecting robot and decides to test it at the dinner table.

Dad: Where were you yesterday after school?

Son: I was at the library

(the robot slaps son)

Son: Alright! I was watching a movie with my friend!

Dad: What movie?

Son: Toy Story

(the robot slaps son)

Son: Alright, alright! I was watching porn

Dad: Unbelievable. when I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.

(the robot slaps dad)

Mom: haha after all, he’s your son.

(the robot slaps mom)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s